It’s been a crazy weekend… Moving houses, back and forth… and today turned out to be an 11 hour work day for me. Get back to the new place and it’s surprisingly peaceful as opposed to all the other times I’ve moved and have felt like it’s a long process trying to get use to my surroundings and environment.
I feel like I could crash any minute, so why am I writing to you? I’ve been worried about getting use to being in pain. I’m enjoying the lingering effects of the hurt my last relationship had caused me, surprisingly, it feels like it’s keeping me out of trouble. The thought of being with anyone disgusts me and it feels like this feeling is keeping me safe. Is this an illusion of contentedness?
After my doctors appointment, i decided to Uber home instead, to my surprise, I had a female driver pick me up. Turns out she knows daddy too, as we got to chatting, the topic of praying for my future husband came up, that was the moment when I knew, my heart was still broken, because her words of hope and encouragement felt like knives going into a deep old festering wound. I didn’t mean to let it fester, life has a way of becoming so busy that it makes your heart play chasey with your head. Though eventually it catches up, and I embarrassingly catch myself with tears running down my face in front of my Uber driver. I didn’t want to hope in it anymore, because I’m happy just giving the rest of my life to God. I’m safe there. But I know I didn’t meet that lady for a reason, she told me I need to start to pray for you, even if it’s just 5 minutes before I fall asleep. She said I need to pray so that God will open doors and help prepare the both of us to be ready for eachother. Honestly… I rather not. Nearly every part of my instincts screamed NO! So teach me how to trust and hope in this area of my life again… I clearly still yearn for it, or else I wouldn’t be here writing to you… But what a dilemma! I’m so uncertain whether I’d ever get over this feeling of being happier alone… maybe one day I’d look back and laugh at this, but right at this moment, it seems like a bloody good idea just being single for the rest of my life.
I pray that wherever you are in the world, please come find me soon…
Love Little Miss J xx