Today marks the 29th year I’ve been unleashed into this world, I had a wonderful day, truly blessed, but why can’t I get to sleep? Recently, so many questions have bombarded my mind, like why am I even in this job? Why am I procrastinating? Will I ever do anything of value? Will I be strong enough to hold up my end of the bargain when it comes to my relationship? How can I even make a difference with the people around me? Why is my church even like this? Oh I love desserts, but I also love my muscles, wait, what? Who’s the New World Order? Who’s the Illuminati? What’s really going on behind all the sex trafficking? Who’s behind it all, why are these women coming out and talking about it in public knowing they’d be in danger of being murdered by high profile elites? Then a question hit me, why am I not talking about my story? After all, I’ve been told time and time again that my story will bring freedom to many people. The question in my mind is constantly, how? What can a mere 29 year old, working a normal 9-5 job trying so hard to get on top of her debts, her health… her life, really do? The answer is always, “Not much really”. Then there’s the fear of once again being caught in the all so dramatic, painful past abuse of mine from my family. Questions like, “Will this be dishonoring my parents if I told the story? Will they go (for lack of a better word, shhh don’t tell my boyfriend I swore) bat shit crazy on me if I just told every detail for how it is instead of constantly trying to protect them and keep the “peace”? The answer is “Yes and YES”. After all, 1 Peter 4:8 “love covers a multitude of sins” no?
I’ve always felt, been told, prophesied over that I will do great things, that I have a voice that is to be heard, the enemy will constantly try to silence you because of the calling over your life. I’m sure I’m not the only one out there who have heard those words and questioned “you’re kidding me right?” Then before you know it, your mind is running at 1000 miles per seconds screaming “I hate public speaking, I’m terrified of what people think of me, what will people think of me? What if I stutter? What if people hate me for it? What if my story is totally normal and people scrutinize me for it? WHAT IF?! So I do, what so many of us do, we continue to chip away at our lives just doing our best to, keep the “peace”, be “liked”, continue our conservative lives with Jesus whilst shouting empowering declarations at people telling them to “Arise and SHINE” in the shadows of our comfort zone, where we feel we belong. Maybe that’s just me? Whatever.
The truth is, Today marks another moment of my life where I had to forgive my abuser again. Am I as hurt as before, no. Does it affect me that my mother has deliberately chosen to not even message me on my birthday? Yes. The last time I confronted her about it she said “A mother never forgets her child’s birthday, so the fact that I didn’t message you meant I deliberately didn’t want to”. You see, without any context, some of you may read this and think that I am doing this to spite her, or just being a plain spoilt brat. Yes yes, I understand there are more pressing matters at hand, like people in Africa who are starving to death, people in Syria running for their lives, extortion, green house emissions, Aliens, Trump. I’m getting to that.
Even whilst I type this, I surprisingly don’t have an ounce of anger or sadness, because frankly, I’m starting to get use to this. Most importantly it’s because, I have a God who is greater than my feelings who have redeemed me, set me apart, and made me survive and thrive through the years of physical and emotional abuse, which I had suffered at the hands of people who by definition should “love” me unconditionally.
A couple of weeks ago, I was standing in worship at church, I heard Daddy (God) so loud and clear, “You have surrendered everything to me but one thing you still hold on to which is holding you back from everything I have called you to be. Your fears. Your fears have kept you in the shadows, given you the illusion that it’s there to protect you from harm, told you that it’s actually serving you.” I mean, we hear this in so many different ways, but God always has a way to pierce right through your heart and jab you just hard enough in the gut that you need to do something about it. It was a sobering moment for me. Even though I had that revelation, I still remained the same, because I didn’t know how or where to begin. Tonight, as a result of how my week had unfolded, I have decided, what the heck. If I fall, either I die or He better catch me.
So on the first day of my 29th year, I want to begin the real journey with the world to unveil bit by bit of my childhood, the physical and emotional abuse I went through as a child, the loss of my biological father, having a step father and adopting a foster mother and father, my transition into a foster family, how I fell in love with Jesus, how I overcame my past, my struggles, my doubt, my fears, my insecurities, how I started a healthy relationship with my family again, the battles I had to fight, love, relationships, friendships, what I’ve learned through those trials and how to be completely secure in your identity with Christ no matter how many times you fall and how far you think you’ve fallen from Grace. To the people who had needed a voice for them, I’m sorry I took so long. I hope that you will journey through this with me, and I pray that as I open my heart to you, God will use me to bring healing and freedom into your life, at a greater capacity more than he ever did with me. Amen.
Love, Little Miss J ♥